InfiniteTides

I started writing a blog post about my 20 year class reunion that I’m not attending tonight, but I deleted it.  Too obvious and redundant.  There’s not much point in talking about it.  People move on with their lives and high school memories fade as they should.

Not too long ago, an NPR news program played a story about what it takes to perform any given talent on a world class level.  Unless I’m misremembering (which is entirely possible), the number of hours of practice necessary is upwards of 10,000 hours.  This got me to thinking.  I walk to work nearly every day.  That’s about 44 total minutes I spend walking on those days, and it doesn’t begin to take into consideration all of the time I spend walking exclusive of my commute.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’ve spent, on average, 44 minutes per day walking around or at least upright.  44 minutes is .733333 of an hour, so at this rate it will take a total of 13,636.37 days of walking 44 minutes per day to become a world class walker.  That comes out to be 37.33 years.  I’m 38 years old right now, so depending on when I began walking, I think it’s pretty safe to say that in another year or so I’ll finally stop tripping over uneven spots in the sidewalks and no longer bash my toes on furniture as I walk around my apartment barefoot in the dark.

On a completely unrelated note, lately I’ve been getting a lot more messages on Facebook (I’m trying not to talk about it so much).  I don’t dislike Facebook’s messenger despite its clunkiness and inability to thread messages, but email is a far superior way to communicate.  When the messages are flying back and forth under the same message subject it can get confusing.  If anyone needs/wants my email address, they can find it by going to my profile and looking at the Info.  I’m pretty sure I have it visible to people on my friend list.  By using email, you’ll save me the embarrassment of answering “LOL” to some awful heart wrenching story about someone’s untimely demise because I’m too slow to respond to your previous message.

Meanwhile…my last video project turned out so badly that I’ll have to give it another go.  I refuse to let that disappointment stand.  My effort level fell far below the usual threshold for new projects I undertake.  In hindsight, I could easily have done more with the video of my walk to work.  Perhaps in my free time over the next week, I’ll call “do-over” on it and put some real creativity into an otherwise boring waste of data.

Over the urinal in one of the bathrooms at the company where I work they hang a monthly safety poster.  The poster from July is still there warning me to be careful with fireworks and how to avoid heat stroke.   At the top of the poster is a picture of some poor creature’s face in profile.  This thing has the thickest uni-brow I’ve ever seen!  So I’m thinking, “Am I really supposed to be getting my heat safety tips from Bigfoot?”  I don’t have anything against unfortunate people who don’t own tweezers or who have facial deformities.  Hell, my brother once had some sort of caterpillar thing on his forehead.  I’m just wondering how Sasquatch keeps cool in the summer, by making fans out of pine cones, tree bark, and tree sap?  Does he roll around in cool mud like a pig?  Do they have hidden caves where they chill out?  Or do they just climb a mountain until they reach an elevation where the temperature is more tho their liking?  This poster answered none of these questions and left me very disappointed, not unlike this blog post.

Please allow me to preface this post by saying that I don’t mean to single anyone out or make anyone self-conscious over what they use as their Facebook profile image (I prefer the term, avatar and will use it henceforth.) and thumbnail.  No one should feel compelled to immediately change their avatar just because I wrote something silly on a blog.  (I would wait a few days so no one connects the change of your avatar to this post.)  The following are just some things I’ve observed about people’s avatars.  These observations have only a tenuous basis in reality and are not to be taken seriously.

The first impression people have on Facebook of who you are comes from your avatar.  It shows up beside your name in searches and whenever you make a post.  Like it or not, people will make reflexive judgments about you based upon this first impression.  I’m going to  help you maximize that first impression by giving some insight I’ve gleaned from observing tens, maybe even hundreds of Facebook avatars!  Below, I describe a typical avatar and explain both what the owner thinks their image projects and what the rest of the Facebook world perceives.

The Couple: You and your significant other, together
Owner: “I love this person and can’t live without them!”
Facebook: “Get a room!”

The problem with The Couple avatar is that your Facebook account is meant to be used by an individual, not multiple people, and when you eventually do part ways, I’ll bet you change your avatar!  That’s not me being negative.  Statistics back me up!  Okay, maybe that is me being negative, but it doesn’t change the fact that a couple’s avatar tends to give the impression that you are no longer an individual, even if your significant other does LET you post your own status updates.

The Clan: You and your entire family
Owner: “Family is the most important thing in the world to me.”
Facebook: “I wonder if this person is secretly desperate to get some alone time.”

The Clan avatar conveys that you have a family, sure, but why not save some of the mystery for your profile?  People will eventually get around to reading your info.  What they really want to see is a picture of you, not all yer kin.

Rugrats: The kids without you
Owner: “My children are my joy and meaning in life.”
Facebook: “This person is obviously living vicariously through their children.”

When someone uses the Rugrats avatar, the most likely impression the world will be left with is that the person behind the avatar doesn’t see themselves as very important.  When we are searching Facebook for lost friends, we want to see someone we recognize looking back at us.  If/when we become friends, we’ll check out your photos, see your spawn, and feel the appropriate level of sympathy, don’t worry.

Dynamic Duo: You and your best mate (of the moment)
Owner: “See!  I do have a friend, and we are tight!  BFF’s 4 EVAH!”
Facebook: “What’s your friend’s name?”

Eventually, all good things come to an end.  So to with the Dynamic Duo avatar, friends fall out or at least decide to change avatars.  Don’t make your best friend sad and your less-than-best friends jealous!  Avoid the Dynamic Duo.  Besides, you’re only confusing the rest of us.  Which one is you again?

The Posse: You plus 2 or more friends – group photo
Owner: “I’m a social butterfly who enjoys group activities.”
Facebook: “This person doesn’t like to be alone and/or parties way too much!  And which one are they?”

Maybe people who use The Posse avatar don’t realize it (or maybe it’s the crux of their plan), but people who don’t know what you look like now may struggle to pick you out of the group photo.  So unless you always travel with your entourage, just stick with an image of you alone so we know who we’re dealing with.

Spot & Boots: Your pet(s) without you (on the loose?)
Owner: “My dog/cat/fish/spider/ferret/raccoon is a part of the family, and I love animals.”
Facebook: “This person personifies their pet(s) and probably talks to them in that irritating baby talk.”

If your pet ever tells you that it wants to be on the interwebs, get them their own Facebook account…AFTER getting yourself checked out by a professional head-shrinker!  In the meantime, Facebook wants to see YOU, not your oh-so-cute four/8-legged/finned extended family.

Buena Vista: Natural beauty that isn’t human
Owner: “I appreciate the great outdoors and love the wonder and beauty found in nature.”
Facebook: “This person, absent from their own avatar, obviously lacks the fundamental understanding needed to use FACEbook effectively!”

Everyone loves the awe inspiring magnificence of mother nature, even people who run Exon, but you really should consider at least photoshopping yourself into your Buena Vista avatar so at the very least we know it’s you using your account and not some evil bear or squirrel!

Rebel With a Cause: any image or symbol that represents some interest of the owner.
Owner: “I’m really into whatever my avatar currently is, and you should think that’s pretty cool.  Why so serious?!”
Facebook: “WTF?  Is this Twitter?!”

People who use the Rebel With a Cause avatar are most often a teenager or younger person who just saw a really cool movie and want to be just like The Joker.  If you’re a kid using this type of avatar, that’s fine.  Just remember that The Joker couldn’t have been very smart.  He did burn a big pile of money.

The Poser: An image in which someone is making faces, obscene gestures, or gang signs
Owner: “I’m too cool for Facebook!”
Facebook: “This person is quite probably a first rate douche bag.”

Here’s a pro tip.  If you’re not from New Jersey, don’t ever let someone take your picture while you’re making the guido kissy face.  And don’t be flashing gang signs on Facebook unless your “family” threatens to make you sleep with the fishes.

The Professional:  An avatar in which someone is wearing a suit, posed for a professional photographer
Owner: “With this avatar, I project an image of professionalism and self-confidence, and damn I look good!”
Facebook: “No, I have not been injured in an accident, but thanks for asking.”

Sure you probably look good in a suit and tie, all gussied up in your Sunday best, but unless you are an evil lawyer, why in the world would you want to look like one in your avatar?

The Sentimentalist: Images of the account owner, taken long ago
Owner: “I’m still a kid at heart!”
Facebook: “This person obviously never grew up, and they probably still play with dolls/action figures.”

Just because you long for the simpler times of your childhood, maybe you even miss your big wheel, there’s no good reason for using old images that don’t reflect your advanced age.  Remember, you can always indicate your proclivity to childish behavior in your profile info.  You aren’t fooling Facebook with The Sentimentalist avatar.  You’re just fooling yourself, you old goat!

The Cheshire Cat: Excessive smileage
The Owner: “I’m a happy positive person who’s high on life!!!!!”
Facebook: “CRAZY!!!”

Smile and the world smiles with you.  Smile like a nut-job who just escaped the loony bin, and people might avoid you.  Everyone likes to see someone smiling, but for your Facebook avatar, you shouldn’t look like you’ve just slammed 50 cappuccinos.

The Tousled Fool: A disheveled you with tousled hair
The Owner: “This is me.  Accept me for who I am!”
Facebook: “OMG!  LOL!”

You may believe that others should not judge you based on how you look.  Save that delusion for your photo album.  The Facebook avatar is all about projecting an image to the world that you are someone worthy of receiving a friend request, not some sociology experiment in which you rate people’s judginess based on your friend request acceptance rate.

The Cloak & Dagger: Any image in which the subject’s face is blurry, partially (or completely) obstructed, or hidden in shadow
The Owner: “This image makes me look artsy and mysterious.”
Facebook: “I wonder what they are hiding!”

If you haven’t figured it out by now, Facebook is about booking faces.  If we can’t see your face clearly, how do we know we can trust you with our profile info?  How do we know you aren’t some communist spy sent to spy on us and do spy stuff?  Your avatar has to earn our trust!

The Waffler: Avatar changes weekly, daily, hourly
The Owner: “I like my avatar to reflect my mood at any given moment in time.”
Facebook: “This person obviously has ADD or some sort of multiple personality disorder.”

Changing your avatar with the changing of the season is good.  Changing your avatar every time you change clothes gives people the impression that you either can’t make up your mind or you’re so unstable that each voice in your head has its own avatar.

The Grim: An image in which you appear somewhat to very unhappy
The Owner: “I don’t like having my picture taken, but since I read on a blog that I have to show my face I guess I will, but I’m not happy about it.”
Facebook: “Eeyore appears to have a large uncomfortable object permanently lodged where the sun doesn’t shine.”

The Grim is the opposite of The Cheshire Cat, but is equally off-putting.  Even if you look apathetic in your avatar it’s got to be better than looking like your happiness died in 1979!  Seriously, don’t shove your unhappiness down our eyes!

The Shopped: An image that has obviously been changed in an image editor such as Photoshop
The Owner: “Check out my baby beard!”
Facebook: “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about this avatar is creeping me out!”

Photoshopping is an art form best displayed in your photo album (or on 4chan).  Show Facebook that you are a real human person with a real human person face, not some freakish toddler with a goat-T.  That’s just lame!

The Propagandist: Words instead of a face
Owner: “Words.”
Facebook: “If a picture is worth a thousand words, and you used four, you freaking owe me like…a lot of words!”

Facebook wants, nay, demands a face!  At least give us something interesting to look at instead of a bunch of words!  Words are for, like, um…literate people and stuff!  Viva la revolution!

The Preternatural:   No image
The Owner: “I can’t figure this whole Facebook profile image thingy out!  It’s too confusing!”
Facebook: “Either this person is a vampire or they are a complete n00b!  Yep, n00b!”

We all know how confusing Facebook’s janky user interface can be, but if you can’t do something as simple as upload an image for your avatar, ask a teenager for help.

Certainly there are other types of avatars that are less than ideal for your Facebook profile image.  These are just some of the more interesting ones I’ve observed (and used).  I was going to mention the misuse/disuse of the thumbnail positions of avatars, but Facebook’s interface is so bad that I really can’t blame people for overlooking this option.  Feel free to post your own observations as a comment.

This is not a post.  I got up later than planned this morning, but it felt good to shade in those 8 hours with sleep.  On the down side, all of the log sawing has left me feeling groggy and lethargic. Many of my words are missing, and before you even ask, yes, I blame the unicorns!

My blogging schedule for today included an expose on the use of Facebook profile images and was to include some of my observations of people’s chosen mug shots, but due to my dazed state, I just can’t be bothered to write anything yet.  When I come out of this shallow coma, I’ll try to organize my thoughts and type something substantive decrying the need for profile picture reforms and Facebook’s utilization of smile recognition software to approve only images in which people don’t look like crazed stalkers.  This could happen as early as this afternoon or tonight, giving you all the time in the world a few hours to assess your profile images before I can focus my zombified mind like a satirical laser to lampoon what I see as a travesty of colossal magnitude….or I may just point out that I wouldn’t mind seeing more pictures of puppies and kitty cats in avatars.  Either way, a blog post about profile images is in the offing.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Status updates are the lifeblood of your Facebook news stream and are the primary (and most public) way many of us interact with our Facebook friends.  I love status updates.  I enjoy when people share what’s on their mind, and I do enjoy dropping the occasional status update myself.

My all time favorite type of status update is possibly the most noobish as well.  That’s why I do it!  I’m talking about the generic greeting of “good morning,” “goodnight,” “hello,” etc.  It’s fun to throw one of these fishing lines out once in a while just to see who will bite.  I find it noobish to greet Facebook every time you log on and log off, but to each their own.  The occasional use of the generic greeting can measure how connected you are to your Facebook friends.  For instance, I posted a “good morning” message today, and no one has yet replied.  This tells me that I’m quite unpopular, and I should de-friend everyone on my friend list and close my Facebook account.  OR, maybe I should work on strengthening the connections to people I care about hearing from. I suppose it’s also possible that many people on my friend list don’t log into Facebook every day, or by the time they read my post, it’s gone stale.

Another type of status update is the “what I’m up to” post.  These posts are usually caused by your fingers uncontrollably blurting out where you are, what you’re doing, or some other fascinating morsel of personal info without considering how that information might be used by your stalker(s).  Just kidding, no one needs to stalk you now, because they can easily follow your every move on Facebook.  But don’t let that discourage you from posting the “what I’m up to” status update.  We non-stalkers also enjoy knowing what you’re up to ALL OF THE TIME!

Interactive or invitational status updates, like those requesting feedback, opinions, comments, advice, lottery numbers, etc., are often some of the most fun threads to read and respond to.  These updates instantly create conversations and invite interactions between people who might not even know each other.  To my mind, the invitational status update is the most likely type for cross pollination of your Facebook friend list, and let’s face it, we could all use a few more active Facebook friends (except for my sister!  She is little miss popular).  I consider every one of my status updates to be an invitation for comment.  I LOVE COMMENTS on Facebook, and the more I receive, the more likely I am to continue sharing what’s on my mind.

This next type of status update is a little touchy, at least for me.  It’s the religious/anti-religious status update that I’m least comfortable with.  I blame Facebook for not giving us enough options for hiding offensive posts in our news stream.  I’ve said before that if one of my friends frequently posts religious statements that show up in my new stream, I will hide all of their updates.  It would be nice if I had a choice to hide only those posts that I don’t want to see, maybe even allow me to filter updates by keyword.  Facebook even hides the unhide option all the way at the bottom of the Home page, because no one would ever change their mind about whose updates they want to hide.  Stupid Facebook!

Everyone probably has one person on their friend list who is the king/queen of the embarrassing revelation status update.  You know, the person who constantly posts images of themselves and their friends that SHOULD be embarrassing, often at various stages of inebriation.  Drunk people are always good for a laugh, but before you become THAT guy/gal, consider who else might view your images and get the wrong impression of you.

The last type of status update I’m going to mention is one I wish people would post more of, and that’s the weblink.  I want to know what my friends are into.  If you find something cool online, why not share it?  All you have to do is copy and past the address into the box and click “share.”  Most of my friends selfish keep all of their cool finds to themselves, and it’s beginning to irritate me!

Lately I’ve become tired of hearing that Facebook isn’t very useful, that people don’t interact enough, or it’s too quiet.  If you aren’t posting things yourself, why would you expect everyone else to do so?  That seems to be the biggest problem with Facebook right now, people who are there aren’t posting, but they expect everyone else to pick up the slack.  I’m on Facebook every morning, posting a few things, commenting on the rare status updates of friends, and basically just killing time.  I understand that most people are busy throughout the day, and just can’t be bothered to jump on Facebook because there usually isn’t much going on.  You people are part of the problem, so start posting!!!

Now I’m going to play some Rock Band, and when I get back, I better see some status updates in my Facebook news feed or heads faces are going to roll!