InfiniteTides

Hello.  My name is Keith, and I’m an attention whore.  It’s been five minutes since my last status update or tweet seeking the attention I long for.  Obviously I’m not being completely serious.  It’s probably been closer to thirty minutes since I’ve posted something.  I understand that people may perceive me as someone constantly seeking attention (at least online).  What they may not also grasp is that there’s something inside each of us that seeks validation, recognition that we are important to someone else in our lives.  Sure, some of us take it too far with our goofy Facebook avatars, corny status updates, and off-the-wall blog posts, but for the most part, it’s only a small part of our overall personalities that makes us do these things.

I wonder why we do that, why we look so hard at our overall personality, for one trait we think will describe the dominant side (as though there is one) of our being.  I see quiz results on Facebook telling people what color, soda pop, sports team, and vegetable (no offense to the handicapped) they are.  All of us wonder what other people think about us.  It’s human nature to do so.  I frequently find myself not posting status updates and comments to friends’ walls because I don’t want to give the impression (probably too late!) that I’m someone who constantly needs to be the center of attention.  The truth of the matter is that I post a lot, because I’m online and bored a lot.  (I am Keith’s defensiveness.)  In the offline world, I could easily go days without speaking to anyone, especially at work.  I’m not a social butterfly, but I play one on the interwebs.

Our emotions often drive what we are thinking though we would like to believe it’s the other way around.  I don’t recall who first said it, but humans are emotional beings who think, not thinking beings who emote (and use smileys).  If you don’t believe me, just consider what happens when we get upset.  We often say things we don’t mean.  We lash out at people we love.  Our emotions flood our brains, and we stop thinking about the consequences of our words (and maybe even our actions).  Our emotions drive our thoughts about what others think of us, thereby driving our behavior in ways we might not even realize, like how often we post on Facebook or Twitter.

Each of us has just about every personality trait under the sun within us in varying amounts.  It’s rare that one of these traits actually dominates all of the others.  As human beings, we like to pigeon-hole everything.  We subconsciously classify and categorize everything and everyone.  Whether we like it or not, whether we know it or not, our emotions are attached to, or even direct this classification.  It’s why we feel nostalgic about inanimate objects.  Emotions are often attached to memories of just about everything and everyone.

I suppose I’m off the track a bit.  What I’m getting at is this, everyone is/can be/has been in pursuit of attention from someone (maybe it’s your cat’s aloofness that’s pissing you off).  So please don’t judge me too harshly when I spam your Facebook wall or Twitter feed with my witlessisms.  With that said, I need to find a cabin in the woods somewhere that has internet, because with this post, I’m seriously off the wagon.

In high school baseball, if our coach heard us swear, if we didn’t hustle, if he thought we weren’t working hard enough, he would make us run.  He called this extra running “AA” for Attitude Adjustment.  Needless to say, I ran far more AA than anyone else on the team.  It was a point of pride for me that the coach couldn’t change my attitude (of course he was going about it all wrong).  That was over 20 years ago, and I think I’ve matured a little since then.

A few years ago, a great and wise man, shortly after having attended a seminar, imparted these words to me (and I’m 99% sure I’m mucking them up a bit): “You can’t control most of what happens in life, but you do have control over your attitude, and that is 99% of the control you need to be happy.”  This was some time ago, and after reading what I just typed, I’m 99% sure that’s not exactly what he said, but I think it’s close so I’m gonna go with that.

Our individual attitudes ARE something we each can control.  When I first heard this, I argued against it until I was blue in the face.  As it often turns out, I was completely wrong.  We don’t need to let our attitude reflect those of others.  We can change our attitude as a matter of choice.  For instance, last night at work, an operator in the press room decided he wasn’t going to perform a go/no-go inspection on the parts he was running, because, in his words, “no one else cares, so why should I?”  This is a laziness of mind that I cannot fathom.  The dearth of logic in that statement, the utter lack of comprehension that perhaps if HE cared, someone else might see that and DECIDE to care as well, boggles my mind.  The fact that someone can seemingly recognize that they are consciously CHOOSING to not care underscores my point that this attitude is a choice.

I used to think that people who always look on the bright side are a little nuts, like they must be part of a cult or something.  Now, it seems completely normal and natural to focus on the good things, on the positive that is to be found in every situation.  The more aware I am of my own attitude, the easier it is to concentrate on keeping it positive and not getting bogged down with all of bad news and negativity going on in life and the world around me.

Understanding also that our attitudes influence others is also important.  When you speak to other people in a positive way, emphasizing what’s good and minimizing what’s bad, it does affect their own attitude.  I can’t tell you how many times at work someone has brought a problem to me, and they are frustrated and worried.  When you put a positive spin on it, tell them it’s good that they discovered the problem, that we can fix it, that you will help them get it fixed, it’s remarkable at how their attitude improves just from being made aware that we are in this together.  Some people just need a little help seeing the bright side, seeing what’s good about something bad.  I used to snicker in my head (yes, I can do that!) when I would see motivational posters on management’s walls (actually I still think they are funny).  Now, I have an understanding of what those posters attempt to convey to people whose minds are receptive.  All you have to do is perceive obstacles as opportunities, as challenges you can and will overcome.

Change your attitude a little bit for the better, and you’ll find it’s a slippery slope.  You’ll like how you feel and how you think.  Concentrate a little bit each day on what’s good, and pretty soon, the bad stuff won’t seem so bad.  My attitude is still a work in progress, but it’s getting better every day.

How much does a candy bar cost these days?  $.65?  $.75?  I confess that I do not know and cannot remember the last time I bought one in a store or from a vending machine.  The prices on things in the machines in the break room where I work are inflated, so maybe a candy bar costs as much as $.85.

What do you do when the vending machine fails to release your candy bar, we’ll say it’s a Heath, from its evil spiral clutches into the candy-grabbing area below?  Do you A) Purchase another Heath bar to dislodge the first one; B) Shake the machine violently until your Heath is dislodged (fork lifts won’t fit through the break room door); C) Fill out an envelope provided by the vending company to request a refund; or D) Smash the glass front of the machine and snatch several candy bars as recompense for the hunger pain, suffering, and stress of not getting what you paid for?  If you answered “D,” you might work where I work, and management would like to have a word with you.

When I think about my high school years, most of my memories involve me goofing off, disrupting class, or feeling extremely alienated.  Example:  I remember flipping the switch on Julie’s IBM typewriter (yep, we learned to keyboard on typewriters) when they were supposed to be off, and all of the beeping and jerking back and forth it did pissed the teacher off.  He started yelling at Julie so I HAD to speak up and take responsibility.  He made both of us stay after class to yell at us some more.  He said that it was gallant of me to stick up for my girlfriend and to take the blame for something she had obviously done.  He accused me of lying for her.  Julie and I just looked at each other, she confused, and I, scared!  I couldn’t protest fast enough or more vehemently that she was NOT my girlfriend.  I feared Julie thinking/knowing that I did in fact like her.  I was quicker to exclaim that she wasn’t my girlfriend than I was to state again that I really had turned on the typewriter.  How do you argue with a teacher who so clearly has no clue what he’s talking about but believes himself infallible?  Such is high school in northwest Ohio.

Many of my high school memories are like that, getting in trouble for doing something stupid.  The rest of my time served seems very much an uncomfortable blur now.  I vaguely remember some events like proms, games and practices, but the other memories that stand out are mostly negative ones that I don’t like to dwell on.

In high school, no one knows who they are or who they will become.  We spend most of our time putting on a front that we are just like everyone else, that we are cool, that we belong to the group, hiding and masking our vulnerabilities.  My high school years left me with a mind full of unpleasant memories and regrets.  I remember calling out the baseball coach (Coach Head, we called him) in front of the rest of the team, because no one was having fun practicing baseball his way.  We were all sick of his shit.  When I spoke up, the rest of the team cowered and denied they agreed with me like a bunch of frightened deer.  I lost all respect for those people that day.  I remember that same coach pulling me aside before a game and asking me why I wouldn’t just quit the team.  I would have a lot of extra running to do if I stayed on.  In government class, I remember getting punched very hard in the back of the head by an asshole named Ralph, and not retaliating because I would have been in trouble too.  I remember getting speared in the back in football by Phil, a teammate, my sophomore year.  His brother had missed a block on me that allowed me to clothesline the quarterback, Jeff.  Yeah, some great people at Farmview.

Most of my high school memories are of feeling like I didn’t fit in.  When you don’t think like everyone else,  when you question authority, when you don’t believe in the things everyone around you believes in, life isn’t very enjoyable.  High school was not enjoyable.  I remember telling people that I didn’t believe in god.  Their facial expressions invariably showed they couldn’t understand someone thinking that way.  Some people clearly thought that being an atheist meant you couldn’t possibly have any morals.  When you don’t feel comfortable with people you are forced to be with daily, it’s difficult to enjoy being there, and impossible to be yourself.  I don’t know who people thought I was in high school, but it wasn’t really me.  I’ve been to maybe 2 events at Farmview since graduating, and both times going back, seeing the same type of people I went to school with, I felt the creeping misery and anxiety I had when I was in school, seeping back into me.

I can only imagine how Farmview high school must have been for people who were even more different than I was.  They must loathe that place and the people it produced.  I know, because when I was there, I wasn’t the most open-minded person.  When you’re trying to fit in, you tend to say and do things that you regret later in life.  I know I didn’t treat people with the respect and dignity that they deserved.  Whether I’m remembering the times I went along with the crowd or how I wasted my time trying to fit in, high school memories are a minefield of regrets and disappointments for me.  High school taught many of us that it’s not okay to be an individual.  You need to go along to get along.  As a result, you tend to sink to the lowest common denominator of prejudices.  High school was mostly about conformity and instilling in each of us where our place is in the social hierarchy.  Just watch Dazed and Confused, and you might see where I’m coming from.

I’ve often thought that if I could go back and do high school over again knowing then what I know now, things would be a lot different, but I really don’t know how true that is.  I would be different, but that damn school and all of the people in it might be exactly the same.

So you don’t get ONLY a negative impression of the people I went to school with, some of them were very nice.  Some of them were really good people, even if they didn’t always appreciate individuality.  I even miss many of them.  I’m sure many of them are more open-minded, more understanding, less prejudiced, and less conservative than they were in high school.  Some of them are probably even agnostic or atheist <gasp!>.  But growing up in rural northwest Ohio wasn’t the same for everyone and wasn’t enjoyable for many of us.